I used to think that I had it all figured out.

I look back on those days fondly now. It was so nice to think that I had found it. IT. The answer. The relationship that was going to stand the test of time.

My now ex-husband and I used to talk about how we were the exception. So few of our other friends displayed anything remotely similar to what we thought we had.

We used to pity other couples who didn’t get to experience our kind of love – the adventurous, all-in, non-traditional, best friend in the world kind of love.

Looking back, I can see that relationship for what it was: well-intentioned, genuine at one point, but deeply flawed.

For a period of time after it ended, I reflected on whether there was a level of abuse in the relationship. But through a lot of work I came to find that it was mostly a relationship of neglect, myself both the perpetuator and the victim.

I’ve since found some relief in the literature on codependence, among other sub-genres of what bookstores deem “self-help”, but which I prefer to think of as Personal Psychology and Life Philosophy.

The first book that I read on the topic of codependency (Codependent No More, Melanie Beattie) felt as if the author were speaking directly to me; rehashing patterns of my life that I previously thought were unique to me.

I recognized characters in the allegories from my family and romantic partners and remembered myself displaying the same behaviors of someone anxiously attached, with abandonment trauma.

It feels like I let go of that relationship rather quickly. In a way.

Letting go of the person, was easy. Over eight years of living together overseas, but on starkly independent trajectories, he had morphed into someone who I didn’t recognize. Someone who didn’t treat me in the way that he used to.

To be fair I hardly recognized myself at that point either. Life in an extremely populous, busy international capital city can be grinding, as can the lack of sunshine, and affection from one’s professed life partner.

Letting go of my lifestyle, life path, and identity was the hard part.

Over the past three years, as I have recovered from my divorce and abrupt relocation, shortly followed by a global pandemic. It has been a time of breakdowns and breakthroughs.

I have welcomed through an interesting cast of characters, in my pursuit of myself. I feel as if I am constantly learning new things about myself. Which, after thinking from the years of 22-27 that I had it all figured out, is unbelievably refreshing.

I find myself in the midst of an awakening. And I, the lifelong student, have an insatiable desire to learn about the intricacies of my psyche; identifying the past experiences that trigger certain reactions for me today, and trying to get better at catching myself before I fall into unhealthy patterns.

All of this knowledge and self development came to me because of my divorce at a (relatively) young age. And for that reason I am so thankful for the experience that brought me to where I am now.